Last weekend I was looking at photos on my phone when a memory popped up. It was a photo of our apartment when we moved back to the US, full of moving boxes and a mattress on the floor. I knew that we were coming up on two years stateside, but I had lost track of time. That photo reminded me how two years ago we were leaving behind our life in Amsterdam for a new start in Jersey City.
When we were living abroad, I did an annual post on what I called our “Amsterdamiversary” – the anniversary of our move to Amsterdam. For me, it was so special to reflect on each year and share what I’d learned and experienced. A lot of life happened while we lived abroad – I went through multiple jobs, Jon proposed, we adopted Jolene, we went through the pandemic. I’ve loved having those posts to look back at and reflect on where my headspace was each year.
Last year, I decided to do the same and reflect on a full year in the US. In that post I wrote, “I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing Amsterdam. I think the expat life has made its way under my skin and become part of who I am.” Two years stateside, and that statement still rings true. Nowhere has ever felt so much like home as Amsterdam. Perhaps it’s because there was something formative about our time in Amsterdam. A lot of it may have been the timing. When we moved to Amsterdam, I was 25, and I spent most of my late 20s there. It was the time when I really started to come into my own as a person. It was also the time Jon and I really strengthened our relationship. We had lived together in NYC but living together abroad was different.
Over the past year, I’ve found myself thinking about Amsterdam at the most random times. Often during an early morning barre class, I’ll think about taking classes at Core40 in de Pijp. Or I’ll be buying a coffee in Jersey City and remember how I would walk down the canals to get coffee with Jolene during the pandemic. On a day like today, where the city is bleak and rainy, I think about the weather in Amsterdam.
I also feel like I changed so much as a person after living abroad. Living abroad completely altered my worldview and my priorities. It’s something that I really notice being back in the US. I have spoken to a few of my fellow expats about how you never really feel like you fit in after coming back.
I’m much more settled into our life here than I was a year ago, and I have to admit there are some really nice things about being stateside – It’s much easier to see family; we can have just about anything delivered; there’s so many things to do and see in NYC; finances are much easier to handle. And I have to admit that it was really great to be stateside during wedding planning because of the number of resources available and proximity to family and friends for my bridal shower.
All that being said, I’d still move back to Amsterdam if the opportunity presented itself. But I would also have to admit that it would be much harder this time. Part of my soul is still in Amsterdam and might be there forever. While I feel more settled in Jersey City, I also know it’s not our forever home. I don’t know where life will take us next (or when), so until then, I’m making the best of our life here. That includes maximizing experiences in NYC and of course, planning a few trips to Europe this year to scratch the itch!
Xx, Kelsey
