I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but I have struggled to begin because I’ve been working through a lot of feelings. Jon and I moved from Amsterdam to Jersey City nearly 3 months ago, and I’m just starting to feel at home. There are many days when I miss my old life in Amsterdam. Coming back to the United States after more than four years abroad has been a big adjustment – from little things like finding groceries we like to big things like wrestling with the politics and violence in America today. One of the struggles that took me most by surprise is dealing with repatriation and identity.
I’ve dealt with identity crises many times over my life – most notably when my figure skating career ended unexpectedly. Prior to the move, I knew that identity might be something I dealt with coming back to the US. I was still surprised by how strongly I felt the loss of self after the move. Launching my blog as an American in Amsterdam allowed me to find a space and new identity while abroad. I became an expert on life in Amsterdam, European fashion, and travel abroad. When we moved to the United States, I no longer felt I could call myself that. I began to think of myself as just another American girl living in America – nothing special.
I spoke to a few of my friends who had repatriated in the past and my mother who had repatriated at the end of last year. We all felt the same thing. While abroad our lives felt so special. We were having experiences so few Americans do. People constantly wanted to know what it was like to live abroad. Upon moving back to the US, we all had the same feeling of being a little less special and a little less interesting. We also all felt such a major shift in our outlook on life, which made it hard to jump back into the American way of doing things.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks questioning who I am, both in life and in the context of my blog. To be honest, I haven’t found the answer yet. But I have started to feel more comfortable in my new life and in taking the time to deal with repatriation and identity. I know that it’s going to take time to adjust. We’ve been in the US for only three months. So much still feels new. A lot of my priorities and views of the world have changed since living abroad. I’m currently working through how that fits into my new life in America. And I’m finding some ways to reestablish who I am now that I’m back in the US:
- Spending time with my US-based friends and building those friendships up again
- Calling expat and former expat friends to discuss our shared experiences
- Planning travel within the US to get more excited about my new home
- Planning travel abroad to get to go “home” for a bit
- Reflecting on my experiences and being grateful for them all
- Openly sharing my experiences repatriating for others who are experiencing the same thing
The biggest thing, of course, is time. Every week I feel a little more comfortable, and a little more like myself. I may never feel 100% American again, but I’m ok with that. I’m forever grateful for the ways expat life changed me. And who knows? Maybe there’s another opportunity to live abroad in my future.
Photography by Jack and Kie
Love you so much. Miss you every day. I know it’s hard, but being close to family is such a crucial part of life – plus your career is going to skyrocket. And you’ll always feel at home in Europe <3